I broke my glasses last night, which isn’t very interesting in itself, but I did it in such a spectacularly weird and nerdy fashion that I felt the need to share the story with the Internet.

It was a little past midnight and I was performing a little experiment in the backyard. I’m trying to lose the weight I’d gained and rebuild the muscle I’d lost during 2010, and I came up with an idea to do assisted pull ups on this weird wooden structure back there using a resistance band, which is basically a giant rubber band used for strength training exercises.

I looped it around this wooden structure and then stuffed my feet through the handles. The idea was that this would subtract from the total body weight I would have to lift in order to do pull ups or chin ups. Well, my right foot slipped, and the band smacked me right in the face.

I called the experiment off at this point because my face was in pain and it was cold outside and oh God I couldn’t see. It turns out that the resistance band smacked my glasses right off of my face. Well, it was past midnight and there was no way I was going to find it in the dark, so I went inside to get my flashlight. Only, the thing is, I don’t actually own a flashlight. I used a replica Harry Potter wand that lights up when you swish it. Laugh if you want, but I found the damn glasses.

So, let’s sum up — I was performing an experiment in my backyard at midnight, I smacked myself in the face and broke my glasses with a giant rubber band, and I found it with the help of a replica Harry Potter wand.

I’m going to be alone forever and ever, amen.