What is your favorite word? Moist.

What is your least favorite word? Moist. I know, I’m confused too.

What turns you on? Moist women.

What turns you off? Your beard, James. Your dry, dry beard.

What sound do you love? Music. The movie, I mean. The Sound of Music. Have you seen it?

What sound do you hate? I love that scene where Captain Von Trapp sings “Edelweiss” to an audience filled with Nazis, and he introduces it as a love song. That dude had balls. And then he starts to get all choked up, so his family joins him, and then his fellow Austrains in the audience stand up and sing along, and it’s like, “Fuck you, Nazis!” but in music form. Julie Andrews was so hot…

What is your favorite curse word? And then they’re hiding from the Nazis in the nun place… Nun house? Nunnery? Whatever. So, they’re hiding from the Nazis, and afterwards, the Nazis try to chase them, but the Nuns are all, “Forgive me, Mother, for I have sinned,” ‘cause they stole parts of the engine from the Nazi’s car, and it was like, “Fuck you, Nazis!” again, but this time from nuns, which was pretty funny because I don’t think nuns are even allowed to cuss.

Can we get back to the list? What — you don’t like The Sound of Music? Ok, fine, but that counts as one of your ten questions, Bearded Hitler.

What profession other than yours would you like to attempt? That’s adorable. You think I have a job. Well, as fun as it is hanging out in Star Bucks full-time, sometimes I just want to throw it all away and become a garbage man.

What profession would you not like to do? Get it? ‘Cause garbage men throw shit away? You’re not even going to humor me and pretend to laugh? Can you at least edit in some laughter for TV? And maybe edit out your beard? It’s too trimmed and neat. I don’t trust it.

If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates? You’ve had your ten questions, Pube Face! This interview is over!

At this point, I would flip over James Lipton’s little table and storm out while singing “Edelweiss,” and your lives would be forever changed. It’d get a lot of hits on Youtube, at the very least… Hey, are you still reading this?